


i still see the lights

by sayonide



Series: 3 rounds and a sound [12]
Category: RWBY
Genre: Blangst, Cuddles, Depression, F/F, References to Depression, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, alright that's being tagged then, i think so, is this a depressive episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:47:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27397447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sayonide/pseuds/sayonide
Summary: Bad days were common. Bad Days less so. There's really no easy way to get through them, but talking to someone can help.
Relationships: Blake Belladonna & Yang Xiao Long
Series: 3 rounds and a sound [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2002933
Comments: 4
Kudos: 76





	i still see the lights

**Author's Note:**

> kiwi if you read this,
> 
> no u didn't
> 
> tw for suicidal thoughts/ideation, pls read the tags and stay safe

It was a Bad Day, and more obvious than it had been in a long time. It was also 5 am, which was good because no one was awake, but it was on a Tuesday, which was bad because she really couldn't stand the thought of getting out of bed for school. Briefly, she wondered if she could get away with climbing up to the roof, but upon thinking more on the position, she curled in tighter in bed. No, there was no leaving today. Almost as if it was a cue, her eyes shut again, voices flooding into her mind- one in particular. 

_Lazy fuck._

_No one wants to wait around for you._

_Drag your ass up already._

_Just get up and move._

_Move._

_It's not that hard._

_You have everything you could ever want._

_Is this it? You taking advantage of me to stay in bed?_

_Weak._

_Fucking coward._

_I should've left you to die._

_Get up._

_Get up._

It was another few minutes before she realized that the voice was too high pitched to be anyone she'd known in the White Fang. Especially not him, no, his was low, growling, _angry-_

"Get up!" It called again, this time very obviously Ruby.

But turning around hurt. Opening her eyes, even the thought of it, was too hard to consider. So she didn't, hoping that they'd think she was asleep and just leave her alone.

"We have class in a few minutes! Wake up!" 

It came again, and this time, her ears twitched at the sudden noise. Even if everything felt too heavy to do much more than that, it was enough.

Fuck.

"Well, she's clearly awake," Weiss's voice this time, sharp and grating. 

"If she wants to sleep and miss school, that's not really our problem, right?" Ruby again, more hesitant this time. Yes. Good. It's not.

"Well, sure," Weiss again, "but only if it doesn't affect our grades. If her skipping brings all of us down, we're getting her out of bed."

"Chill out, we can always just as Goodwitch," Yang this time, they really were all up, huh? _(Except for her, her lazy ass, stuck in bed, unable to get up, look at them all going to class,)_ "It's just one day, you're not going to fail. Besides, we can say she's sick or something. No one's gonna penalize us for a cold."

And then, with a few grumbles ( _this better not screw us over, we shouldn't have to suffer for someone else, why does she get to stay there during class_ ), they're out the door, and the room goes silent again.

At least, inside the area of the room it's silent. Outside, they're still talking, before the unintelligible mumbling sounds are broken by someone (Yang) saying, much louder, "There's no punishment. There you go. I need to grab something, you guys get to class so we're not all late."

Proper silence outside, and the door creaks open. A step inside, and it closes again, and Blake's about to just go try and fall asleep again when the bed behind her sinks. A warm hand presses to her back, and a breath blows past her cheek. 

"You okay?" She hears, soft.

 _Yeah_ , she thinks of saying.

 _Absolutely not_ , another part of her considers.

 _Please just hold me,_ her entire body screams.

None of them make it past her lips.

Instead, she manages to push over to roll onto her back and look up at Yang, who just raises an arm to hover across Blake's body and asks, "How're you feeling about touch?" When she nods, the arm drapes across her and squeezes. Yang shuffles a little closer onto the bed, effectively tucking up one side against her and wrapping her in.

She breathes out, somewhere between a sigh and a huff, twisting to slide open the side of the covers closest to the edge. Yang lets out an _oh_ , but pulls the covers all the way open and sliding in before wrapping her up in her arms.

"Are you sure?" She asks, and Blake grabs at her shirt, trying to tell her _please don't let go._

She presses her head into the space under Yang's chin, nuzzling into the warmth there. It takes her a while to speak; maybe it's a few minutes, maybe a few hours. All she knows is that when she does, her voice is raw and shaking.

"I hate it when this happens." 

The arms around her tense in surprise, before they relax again and she feels a soft kiss pressing in the space between her ears before a whispered, "When what happens?"

"When- When everything gets bad. And heavy. I hate not being able to move."

She curls her hands into Yang's shirt, flexing fingers that were stiffened from resting in the same position for hours.

"I hate it when I can't think without everything feeling horrible. I hate dragging people down, just because I can't function. I hate being useless, I hate feeling- _hopeless_. Like it's never going to end, and I'm just going to be stuck here forever."

Her breathing hitches, and she butts her head closer, muffling her words.

"I don't want to live," she confesses, "and it scares me. I don't care about anything when it happens and I wish I did, but I mostly just wish I don't exist. I can't just be happy, or push through it, because everything in me wants to- to jump the second I'm on a ledge, or shut down our scrolls during training, or just burn through my aura alone. And it's scary, and I hate it, but not as much as I should and I'm sorry you were stuck with me."

The body next to her stills completely, before wrapping her in tighter. "Please don't apologize for that. You're the best partner I could ask for. And I don't know how it feels. I don't know how to help you, and I wish I did. But... I'm here, if you need to talk, or just want a hug. The whole team is," Yang says into her hair. "Even Weiss. And... It would really, really suck if you were gone. So please. When you feel like this, if - or _when_ \- it happens again, come to us. Okay?"

She let go of Yang's shirt to curl her arms around her completely, ignoring the tears welling up in her eyes in exchange for burying her face into Yang's shirt.

"Okay," she whispers. 

Yang presses another kiss onto her head and mumbles down, "you wanna just cuddle for a while? We don't have to go anywhere, I already told the others we weren't coming to class."

She nods, movements still jerky, muscles unwilling to move quite yet.

"Please?" She says into the shirt, and feels a smile against her head.

"Of course. Whatever you need."

* * *

That same day, after Ruby and Weiss return from classes, they sit up on Blake's bed and watch them go through the usual routine of setting up their desks for homework until a silent moment appears, and Yang gives her an encouraging squeeze.

"Hey," Blake starts. Weiss gives her a side glance, and nudges Ruby to pay attention. 

"What is it?" She asks, clearly intending to make good on what they'd agreed on after Blake had run off. Blake breathes in, and presses tighter into Yang's side for comfort. 

"I need to tell you both something. This morning, I know you both saw I was awake, and I didn't get up. You deserve to know why."

Weiss and Ruby glance at each other, and Weiss takes a step forward.

"You don't have to tell us," she says, uncharacteristically gently, but Blake shakes her head.

"I do. I'm ready, and this is important for our team."

The two sit down on Weiss's bed across the room, and she starts talking.

**Author's Note:**

> <3 make sure you've taken your meds and drank water, be good to yourselves
> 
> so remember when i said nnwm's kicking my ass, yeah, uh. haha.


End file.
